Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Clara admitting to love

A member posted this:
Sometimes I'm watching scenes and Marina is so desperate to know how Clara feels, a little bit. And Clara never opens up lol it's painful but good to watch. I hope it ends in a great Clara declaration scene.

Someone replied with this:
That's why the scene where Clara says that Cadu "notices" what they feel for each other is so important. It's the first time Clara has really acknowledged her feelings for Marina to Marina, and not to every single other female in her life (Helena, Juliana, Luiza)

My response:
Not truly the first time though. She's never said it so clearly, but she did say it, three times actually.

First time is right before Marina 'fires her from her heart'. In that scene she admits to feeling something, even though she doesn't know what:

Marina: Clara we are not children. Everything that we didn't speak verbally, we said all this time with gestures, with eyes, with emotion, almost telepathy. You know what I am talking about.
Clara: I do, I mean, I don't know well. Because I don't know how to deal with this, understand? To me, maybe it's doubt, I don't know, but it's very confusing, I don't know how to deal with this, Marina, do you understand?
Marina: I do, I do. It's exactly because of that that I'm talking for the both of us. Because I can't, I can't live any longer with the presence, the absence of your love.
Clara: You're talking about love?
Marina: Of course I am talking about love, what did you think I was talking about?

This here: She has already admitted to her husband there is something (after her birthday party), she has talked to her sister about it, but in her head, this is an attraction still, she calls it desire. She can't grasp the fact yet that it could be more than that. It simply hadn't crossed her mind. As far as she knew she felt this magnetic pull towards Marina, her world wasn't big enough yet to name it love. When Marina calls it that, it's the first time she thinks to herself: 'Oh my lord, is that what I am feeling? Is that what this is?' Cause she knows she's feeling it too. Now that she got this reality check, things just got more intense on a massive scale, cause she realizes she is right.

Second time: The day after. She goes to Marina and says she had time to think about it, and now Marina is going to listen. Won't quote the whole text but pieces that matter:

Clara: I thought about everything you said to me. About our situation. I can't get your words out of my mind, Marina, specifically the last ones.
Marina: Clara, I can’t remember.
Clara: You will. First you said that for our own good we need to be apart.
Marina: And you're gonna remember like this, sentence by sentence?
Clara: 'Cause I need you to see how they left a mark on me, Marina. Your words have gotten into my head, into my heart.


Clara: I won't torture myself anymore. I don't want to torture you, either. I want to forget the bad memories, get it? But I need to tell you what stuck with me the most.
Marina: Wait a minute, you're sure this is necessary? You won't hurt me or yourself by bringing back the memory of something I don't want to remember, and maybe neither do you. Are you sure?
Clara: I am. I'm not here closing a door between us, I'm just leaving it slightly open. But you said that for a matter of your survival, you were firing me from your heart, didn't you?
Marina: It’s just a sentence.
Clara: A sentence that makes a lot of sense. And it got me thinking. I don’t have the right to keep insisting with my presence here. I don't have the right to stop your survival.
Marina: No, Clara.
Clara: That's why I came here to say that, I quit.

The conversation with Marina the day before has made her realize where this is headed. This is headed towards falling in love, something she hadn't considered before. Marina's words made it clear to her that she was in the same position. She had mistaken something for an attraction, something, desire. She didn't know what it was. It's why it was so confusing as well, she couldn't pinpoint it, she didn't realize it was love, cause feeling love for a woman like that simply wasn't an option. So she hears Marina say, cause of her love, in order for her to survive, she needs to fire her from her heart. This whole 'love' thing hit her so hard, she's aware now that that is what it is, and it scared her so hard, she's very afraid what that will mean for her and her family. She simply cannot face that idea yet. This new thing has got to be pushed aside, then maybe she can still salvage the situation. She realized that what Marina said about her survival, is exactly the same for her. She's not just protecting Marina, she doesn't want to see her hurt, sure, but she's also saying it for herself. She says she leaves the door slightly open. Maybe later, in time, we can pick something up, we can forget about love, fall out of it, and be friends again. She wants her in her life, but she thinks the only way to get that accomplished at this moment, is to not see Marina, so that the radical separation will work all this out. She even tells Marina she looks at her husband differently, cause of her, basically admitting that what she feels for Marina affects what she feels for her husband.

Marina begs her no and cries in her arms that she won't survive, Clara even admits that she might not either. The realization of her feelings hit her hard, but at this point, she knows it's true. She can barely walk away from her, both cause her own heart breaks from seeing Marina crying like that, and double shatters cause she's hurting just as much. She just feels she can still save this. She still thinks there is a way back.

Later, as she has dinner with Juliana and talks about the attraction to another woman, at one point she says:
'I think I'd only start an adventure like that if I didn't love my husband like I do, or if I loved that woman more than I love my husband.'

It's still an adventure to her, something she can fix. But she also says 'or if I loved that woman more than I love my husband.'
We are at that point now, she is ready to leave him, she loves Marina more than she loves him. She also knows it's not an adventure. it's very very real.

Third time: Marina uses her one foot to hobble over to Clara's house.
She admits she didn't know what to do, she was a mess. She admits she did want to pick up her calls and felt like calling all the time. She admits time isn't passing and it's hard. She admits she is suffering. At this point, Marina basically makes her move, tells her she is in love with her. The words hit her hard, she knew already but hearing them feels so much better, Clara is so hypnotized, if they hadn't been interrupted, Marina would probably have kissed her.

At lunch the day after, she is very aware she is in falling madly in love but she's in over her head, she can't stay away and she knows it's going to happen. She even admits to Marina that Vanessa has reason to be jealous, tells Marina she is... lovely. Still careful about it, but she can't help but stare and smile and gaze and Clara is in major trouble.

So she did say, she did admit. She used different words, but in a few different ways, she has told Marina her feelings. She was just never clear about or acting on them, or how strong exactly they were, the latter also because of her simply underestimating her own feelings, not realizing how deep they went.

So although saying this to Marina now, yes, she's admitting it again, but it's not the first time exactly, in my opinion.


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