Monday, May 12, 2014

One book called Clarina, two different editions

Here’s what happened last night. Marina is talking to Laerte about working there as a teacher. He’s usually creepy but surprisingly tolerable if he’s in the same shot as Marina, but still gonna skip it mostly except for saying Marina’s wonderful and charming and makes sure to eye Clara for a bit when she brings them special cappuccino. After he leaves, Clara sits down with her and starts the flirty comments right away when she says: ‘So, starting next week you’re going to be around here all the time, huh?’

She says it playfully, casually, big smile on her face and her head is turning sideways in that playful manner. She’s very happy at the prospect of seeing Marina there a lot. To me, it’s very interesting that she’s the one to start the flirting, she’s not letting Marina take the lead in that alone anymore, she initiates it herself as well. So when it comes to the flirting, she’s all comfortable and happy. She loves it. They are in a flirty place and it’s a place that by now feels like home. I’ll get back to that later.

Marina replies jokingly that since the ‘little miss’ isn’t showing up at the studio, she now managed to stay close so she won’t forget about her. Clara smiles kind of shyly at this. She loves hearing it, it makes her feel good, not only because it’s Marina saying it, the woman she loves, but also because it’s fun to hear someone wants to be around you. She’s so in love she can’t even hear Tânia Mara in the background.

Then Marina asks her ‘Or have you already forgotten me?’ This last bit especially, it’s very flirty, very loving, but also meant to provoke a response. I think she’s aching to hear Clara say things like she missed her, she wants to be around her, anything that shows her affection. She hasn’t heard her say I love you yet. She knows she loves her, she said it between the lines and her feelings are pretty clear. What she says, how they act, how they look, it's all there, but a real declaration of love to her face, not yet. I think she’s kind of fishing to hear those little bits of Clara’s vocalization of her feelings. She says the last bit more quietly, it’s not as casual, but softer, I find it even a bit vulnerable, she kind of hides behind her hand by the end. She knows Clara will say she didn’t forget her, but she wants to hear her say it. She’s not only longing for Clara, but longing for her to say the words that tell her about her feelings for Marina. So she adds the last bit and clearly looks at Clara when she finishes to not only hear her say the words, but also see her say it. To see her eyes when she does.

Clara of course says lovingly, ‘It’s impossible to forget you.’ and she stares Marina straight in the eyes while she does so. Then she does something very interesting. She looks around the room to see if anyone is looking, adding to the ‘we’re being totally sneaky here and doing something we’re actually not supposed to.’ But they are not even holding hands yet. Yeah, they are giving each other looks again, they’re doing the eye-sexing and the flirty comments, but they haven’t held hands up to this point in the conversation. Up till now, she always checked after something happened, after Marina took her hand or something else couply was going on. That is, if they even noticed they were doing it. Usually it was so natural to them they didn’t even notice they were being couply.

But now she totally has sneaky affair behaviour in mind. She knows she'll do the crime, she wants to make sure she doesn't get caught. Realizing you're doing things that could probably be considered sneaky after you did them, or making sure you're going to be sneaky for the stuff you plan to do, now that's a whole other kind of sneaky.She looks around the room, then I think she even extends her hand off screen. Her shoulder kind of looks like her hand is sliding over the table towards Marina. She’s the one initiating the hand holding now, she’s inviting Marina to it. Clara is becoming more and more aware that they look like a couple and since she is trying to hide it, she’s very aware of the fact that they are doing something she’s not supposed to. If you have nothing to hide, why be sneaky while you make sure nobody is watching? She knows she’s being sneaky, she wants the contact, she knows it’s ‘forbidden’, she checks the room, she totally knows she’s actually in the middle of an affair. And she’s still initiating contact. Initiating the sneaky affair contact.

After she looks around the room, she looks at Marina as she extends her hand and it’s like she’s trying to say, ‘We can be affectionate now, nobody’s looking, I checked.’

Marina giggles at this and gladly takes it. Clara’s reaction to Marina taking her hand is awesome. It’s like all the stress temporarily fell off of her shoulders. A few days ago, she was in her bedroom with Cadu and Ivan. Her phone rang, she didn't pick up. When she leaned back in the doorframe a few moments after, she looked totally drained, exhausted, frustrated, tired. Longing. She needed to hear Marina's voice, she needed to unload, to destress. After a long day of work, you go to that place called home, you unwind, you feel comfortable, you destress, take the load off. Marina has become that place for her now. That place where you feel safe, where you can stop being strong for a moment and someone else takes over for a bit. Not being able to take her phone call was extremely frustrating. She's cropping up everything inside her, all those responsibilities, all these burdens, all these feelings raging inside her and even though she was technically at home now, she couldn't do the bit where she actually felt at home and destress. Not being able to take that call was absolutely killing her. So when she finally is able to take Marina's hand, to feel her with her, she's comforted by it, she needed this, she sighs deeply, to her this feels like heaven. She’s been longing for Marina’s touch all day probably, or at least every moment that she didn’t have it and now that she finally does, it’s like she can relax a little bit, it’s like coming home. She’s also still surprised by how awesome it feels every time.

Marina is amused when she sees Clara looking around and it means she’s very aware of the ‘secret affair’ status that Clara has given to it now. She’s totally fine with it and on top of that, she’s certainly not going to pass up the chance to be touchy with Clara, but she’s loving Clara’s initiative for Marina to take her hand here and it convinces her she can take it one step further.

Marina then does such something so wonderful, so sensual and so incredibly sexy, I had to replay it at least 562 times to make sure it really happened. First she starts lowering her body down towards the table slowly, but she keeps eye contact with Clara almost all the way down, meaning she has every intention here to make this as sensual and arousing for Clara as she possibly can. When her face reaches Clara’s hand, she closes her eyes and presses her nose softly against Clara’s fingers. She takes her sweet time doing it so she can focus on this and only this. She takes in her scent, cherishes the touch and memorizes how her fingers feel in her own hand, against her face. After a very long moment, her eyes shoot straight up at Clara, then in the worst best fantastic sexiest way ever, with her lips slightly apart she ever so sweetly kisses Clara’s fingers. I’m still baffled how Clara did not faint on the spot like I almost did. She then raises her body slightly but not by much so she’s still looking up at Clara and looking her right in the eyes, her thumb is gently rubbing the very spot her lips just tasted, then without breaking eye contact with Clara at any moment she asks ‘Do you want to be my assistant?’

Oh. My. God. Hold on. I need a moment. My ovaries just ignited.

Long ago the hand kiss was invented by someone, then convinced people it was a fun new thing. Well, let me tell you, that person had this very moment in mind. They envisioned this right here, realized the potential and they knew: ‘We must have a hand kiss, cause you just wait’. Dear person, I hope you reincarnated or something so you were able to see it for yourself cause you should, really, but in any case I thank you on behalf of lesbians and Clarina fans all over the world, for inventing the hand kiss. The moment it was made for has finally arrived and it was awesome!

Tainá Müller, you probably won’t read this ever, but on the off chance that you do I’m just going to put it out there: The hand kiss was invented just for this and you and Giovanna and this very moment alone, just so you could do it justice. What you just did was pure sex itself. Obrigada. Muito obrigada.

Awesome. Ok, sorry, I just had to get that out, I’m done now, my tummy has calmed down and I hope yours too, so let’s get back to the scene. So here’s Marina, who just gave the Hand Kiss of the Millennium to Clara and it’s fair to say that Clara’s not unaffected. A view like she just had, like she still has, how is that not one of the best views in like, the universe? Marina had every intention to get Clara’s internal organs to take her for a ride and it totally worked. Clara is flustered, more like totally turned on. Marina loves it. She intentionally provoked a response by looking up at her like that and kissing her hand the way she did, giving a double meaning to ‘do you want to be my teacher's assistant?’.

Teaching her photography, sure, but also how to love and be loved by a woman, not to mention to make love to them. She provoked the butterflies and the being flustered, she *wants* to provoke that sexual desire in Clara, she wants to make love to her. Clara didn’t even realize she stopped breathing, she takes a huge breath of air before manages to ask ‘Me?’ which is really just stalling for time. I mean she’s the only one here, it’s rather obvious she means Clara and they both know it, so the question is kind of obsolete. It’s just an easy way for Clara to give herself a bit more time to get herself back together. I can’t blame her, really, so did I and I didn’t even have Clara’s view.

Marina is totally aware of Clara’s internal response and keeps it flirty, ‘Assistant and student.’ she says. She’s still hanging low onto the table, sexily looking up at Clara. She’s keeping the double meaning alive, but she also means it literally. It would be a way for them to spend even more time together, which they’d both like. Marina sits up more when she adds ‘That way you can’t make up any excuses to get away from me.’

This also has a sexual undertone here. I could see Clara trying to avoid situations where she’d be unable to control herself around her. Like when she ran out of her house in the storm. I’m sure Clara was worried about her son but she also knew very well that stuff was going to be happening if she stayed. She even admitted it to Marina the next day. ‘No it isn’t torture to be around you, quite the opposite, it would have been great, I would have never left, that’s the problem.’ In other words, mind blowing, steam producing lovemaking.

Marina is hoping to take it that one step further, she wants the sex to happen. She’s ready to share the love and the happiness with Clara while she takes care of her husband. Clara wants it to happen too, but well, there’s that husband. To Clara, that’s a problem. This is relevant and it’ll be soon clear why. Let’s continue.

Clara answers ‘I’d love to. If I have the time, I’d love to.’ She’s even kind of nervous and is looking down a bit she says it. She does have a smile on her face, but it’s sweet, little bit shy even. She realizes her reaction and her face totally gave her away and that Marina knows that her little act of seduction and kissing and thumb rubbing absolutely hit the spot, pun intended. She also would indeed love the idea of spending more time with Marina. She does recognize the undertone and she also likes it, in a playful manner.

Marina just states, ‘You’ll have time’, with the biggest smile. She’s highfiving herself for getting Clara’s ovaries in a twist. It’s also a knowing smile, ’Don’t even try to deny that, I saw it.’ cause they both know that it’s obvious to both of them that Clara was totally affected. They’re still holding hands, enjoying the moment, the intimacy, the flirting, their close bond.

‘Marina, Marina, you… really won’t give up on me, will you?’ Clara asks incredulously, she smiles as she says it and also shaking her head slowly in almost disbelief. She really is amazed at Marina’s dedication to her. In moments like these she goes back to that place where she sees herself as the other Clara, the one she was only months ago, who in her own eyes was nothing special. The Clara she was before Marina changed everything. She still finds it hard to believe sometimes how incredibly devoted Marina is to her. She kind of underestimates it.

Marina shakes her head and sternly says ‘No.’ She pauses for a moment to emphasize her determination, then continues, ‘and I won’t let you give up on me either.‘ She says it calmly but lovingly, without any room for doubt. Her face is serious but soft. Clara just stares at her dreamily while the words reach her. Encouraged by Clara’s clear aroused response and flirty mood, Marina decides to be really direct.

‘I haven’t shown you yet how good it can be.’

What comes next kind of had me cringing in my seat. We don’t see Clara’s face as she hears it, we only see her hand after it’s said. When they showed the hand instead of any faces I got a funny feeling but not the good kind at all, like that hand kiss of the Millennium gave me. I was thinking to myself ‘No no, she won’t.’ Somewhere I didn’t really believe she would, but then it happens. Clara’s hand actually has a shaky tremble thing going on as she seems to almost involuntarily jerk it out of Marina’s hand and then nervously brings it up to her face. I’m actually a little bit surprised by this reaction and so now I’m dying to see Clara’s face and see what she’s thinking. This is already a bit painful to watch but we still don’t get to see Clara and I’m even more frustrated now, so I’m silently begging the Powers That Be to for the love of whatever matters, show me Clara’s face! Of course they don’t give a shit about what I want so the camera pans up to Marina first, which turns out is also very revealing, because she displays a whole encyclopedia of emotions after this reaction and my heart breaks a little. We then finally see Clara, who looks like she has no idea how to exist right now.

I thought this whole awkward little sequence was huge. It was also amazing, painful, telling, frustrating, cringe worthy, emotional, to name but a few. To be honest, to me it was a little bit of a surprise. Now that I had time to think about it, it makes more sense to me, so let’s see if I can explain what I saw.

I’ll get to Marina in a minute, but first let’s talk about Clara. She’s all dreamily staring at Marina and happily feeling the love not seconds before, but she seems to snap back to reality the second it registers in her head. ‘I have never shown you how good it can be.’ There’s no double meaning. There’s no reading between the lines this time, it’s about sex, period. They've brought it up before, but never a proposal this direct. The night of the sleepover that I mentioned before, ‘it would be good, that’s the problem.’ Or last week on Thursday, when Marina says she doesn’t demand exclusivity. That was all about sex, they both knew it but they were all kind of covered in layers of insinuation and places to hide. This time, Marina gives her a very direct, in your face proposal without any covers, no reading between the lines, no double meanings, no disguised metaphors, no ‘possibly a situation where something might happen’, nothing like that. This is a direct statement that says, ‘I want to have you in my bed and do many things to you, make love to you all night long and I’m totally going to blow your mind and you’re going to love it.’

As soon as Clara hears it, her body almost responds for her. I think a part of it is also her getting a case of the tummy twist. That has got to turn her on. But that's not what makes her hand vanish from Marina's though. Cause although she’s been loving all the flirting, the staring, the touching, the feeling of desire and she absolutely has been feeling the love she feels for Marina, but this comment reminds her again what kind of situation she’s actually in. The kind where you’re talking about sex, but more importantly, to Clara, the kind that would mean cheating on your husband.

With this response I now realize, that Clara isn’t completely willing to go there just yet. I’m not sure she was fully aware herself even. She’s been toying with the idea, yes, she’s been pondering it. But she hasn’t decided for herself that she’s going to do it. She’s still fighting it. Maybe she decided to wait until Cadu was totally in the clear, maybe she wants to tell him first, maybe she’s been stalling a bit without realizing, maybe she just didn’t decide yet. She admitted to him there’s still a problem, but she hasn’t acted on it out of loyalty to Cadu. Respect for marriage has been keeping her fighting the almost unbearable desire to let go, to give in all this time. She loves Marina, she does desire her, she wants to sleep with her, I am convinced she is at this point. I’m also convinced she knows it very well herself that she wants to. They danced very sensually, she almost kissed her when she ran into her studio with flowers after Cadu yelled at Ivan’s school, a week or so later she was so caught in Marina’s eyes and was so driven by desire that when Marina leaned in to kiss her, she would have totally let her, if Marina hadn’t changed course. Clara wants this, she wants it so bad she has to fight it, take herself out of situations where she might be tempted to let go.

Because letting go means that she cheats on Cadu and it just hit her again what a big step that is. She loves Cadu, she didn’t stop loving him. She admitted that the love is a different kind, yes, but she still sees it as love. So although she wants to sleep with Marina, cheating on Cadu isn’t something she’s ready to do yet. Emphasis on yet.

So this comment by Marina that can be taken in no other way whatsoever, snaps her back to reality and right into the situation she’s actually in. A situation where she’s in love, someone’s in love with her, they are doing all the flirting, all the couply things, they are basically having an affair. They both love and they both suffer, because they desperately want to take things to the bedroom, but one of them won’t cause she has a husband and she doesn’t want to do that to him. Yet.

What she feels right now, besides a huge desire to please let this moment be less uncomfortable, is guilt, regret perhaps, because even though I’m sure she didn’t even mean to do it but her body or her brain kind of did it for her, she understands what this must be like for Marina. I wouldn’t say it’s guilt or regret that she did it, that would imply she did it on purpose kind of, but I honestly think she couldn’t even help it. More like, regret that it happened like it did when that reality check just dropped in again like an unexpected guest. Also maybe regarding the whole situation, their whole journey towards it. And not that she regrets any of it in the sense that she’d take it back either. I think she’d do it all again if she had another run, cause it has given her such wonderful new amazing things, feelings, a newfound happiness and she actually rediscovered herself, but just maybe she’d take action sooner or differently, before all the medical stuff happened. They’d possibly be in a different situation now, something like that. But she wouldn’t take it back. Now that she found this new her, this new happiness, this new love, knowing it's out there, she wouldn’t give it up for anything.

She’s also little bit nervous, tiny bit ashamed, that she had this huge response when she didn’t even expect it herself. She even touches her forehead in a way that I’d subtitle with ‘Oh my, what did I do that for, why? Marina, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean for to happen like it did, that was way too strong of a response.’ She’s sorry that it happened, she doesn’t like that her body responded the way it did, she realizes that this is a painful thing for Marina and to herself. She’s once again reminded of the nature of the relationship. That they’re both in love, but one of them is sacrificing and hurting while she waits and the other one is also hurting, but in control of both their pain and happiness right now. While I think Clara is definitely physically more than ready to end both their suffering, with this response I realize thatmentally, she not totally ready or willing to do what’s actually needed, which is cheat on Cadu. I think that with this reflex that she didn’t even really see coming herself, she’s also realizing what a huge problem that is.

Someone else who just came to that conclusion, is of course Marina. I think she didn’t see this coming either, if she had, she wouldn’t have made that direct comment. She made that comment cause Clara did nothing but encourage her. Initiating the touch, the flirt, visibly relishing in the moments they spend together. Where Marina is right now, is at a place where she totally wants to be with Clara and she doesn’t care if Clara leaves her husband first, or if she takes the plunge and cheats, as long as they can be together. Marina knows in her heart that once she does, Clara will know what’s what and before long, she will make the decision to leave her husband. So she’s totally ready for Clara to cross that line and cheat on her husband, which means the problem is that our girls aren’t on the same page exactly when it comes to Clara being willing to cheat. Yet. I think Marina thought Clara was, but it turns out, it’s still a bigger obstacle than previously thought. She knows she has the option, but I don’t think she’s totally ready to do that to Cadu. Marina thought that Clara was on the same page when it comes to being ready for sex, at least almost, that it was on the horizon, but Marina now realizes that Clara is not yet fully open to the option of cheating and that’s what’s on her face mostly. Surprise. She did not see this coming.

She thought with all this flirting going on, totally acting like a couple, totally having this sneaky affair thing happening, Clara checking the room if the coast is clear before she reaches her hand across the table just now, she thought they were headed for the next step. First comes the dating game, then comes the kiss, then we head to the bedroom, we can light the fireworks and the Clarinaship is go for launch. Marina was building up to it. So was Clara, at least that’s what Marina thought. Truth is, Clara was building up to it as well, but she hardly realized it. She hardly noticed that this road they were following, a logical next step would be to wake up one morning and be looking into the eyes of the one you love, who you just spent the most amazing night of your life with and who’s lovingly caressing your cheeks and has already memorized all the little spots on your body while you slept. Somewhere Clara knew it, but let’s say the feelings and bits and pieces floating in her head, she never combined them into words and full sentences which prevented her from actually thinking the thought out loud. Perhaps even she enjoyed being in love so much, that she just lost herself in the amazing experience but was on the other hand still trapped in that ‘I can’t do this, I must take care of my husband.’ state of mind. She’s doing all the flirting, but she’s not putting out, she knows Marina wants her to, she knows she’s hurting her while she’s not.

This comment brings her right back to that state of mind she was in at the hospital, where she was confronted with the same thing but in tenfold cause it hit her for the first time there, which produced the Mother of all Stares. Now she’s confronted with it again, with what kind of feelings she’s dealing with. Not just her own, but Marina’s as well. She’s realizing that for her this is great, she can do the taking care of her Cadu thing, at the same time she can do the flirty secret affair thing that makes her tummy do amazing new tricks she never knew about. Choosing between Cadu and Marina was so hard, is still hard, she has no idea where to begin. Cadu being in such danger of dying, made the temporary decision very easy. She didn’t have to face that difficult choice yet. Now that that excuse is fading, it’s becoming clear to her that she has to face her situation and do something. Whatever that is. But something.

This realization hits Marina as well. Her face shows surprise, disappointment slightly, she thought Clara was on the same page. Marina realizes she’s not there yet. She’s frustrated, not so much at Clara, but more at the situation. Little bit at Clara maybe, cause she does want her to act on her desires, but she is a different person, with different views. If this was her, she’d have done it by now. If she was in a relationship but she found something she thought was better, she’d go and find out what the deal was exactly. But she’s not Clara. She doesn’t have a son. She’s not her. It’s different. She doesn’t want to push her, but she believes in her heart that once they’ve been together, Clara will come to the realization that she’s in the wrong relationship and she’ll eventually get out of it. So of course she wants her to act. She thought they were on a path where Clara was going to act, so it surprises her a little bit. She takes a moment to process what just happened. She can see Clara’s reaction, but it’s done, it already happened. She thought they were on the same page but now it appears they each seem to have a different edition of the book.

As Marina comes to this conclusion in her head, Clara searches Marina’s eyes to show her how much she didn’t want this to happen the way it did and she also really wants this moment to pass. However, Marina has them closed as she tries to file this information away in a part of her brain, also wants the awkward to pass and decides to change the subject as well by asking about Cadu. She figured since he is the reason this reaction occurred in the first place, let’s see what the situation is. Almost like, ‘Ok, I guess since he’s the reason for the awkward, tell me about him, see which parts I missed and what I can do about it.’ She decided this without seeing Clara’s pleading face, her eyes only open when the question is almost out.

The change of subject does succeed in taking the awkwardness away from the table and they continue their talk normally and I for one am kind of happy about that. However the flirty atmosphere we had just moments before, is gone for now. Clara still wishes she could take her reaction back but since she can’t, she’s at least happy they can continue their conversation and that Marina isn’t on the verge of tears or anything, she knows this hurt her, but at least there’s that.

Clara replies, ‘He’s doing better, one day at a time, right? A new heart beating in your chest is no small deal.’

Marina answers ‘Yeah, I wanted to visit him, but I think he will be bothered by my presence, right?’

Clara stares at the table while she answers. ‘Look, Marina, to be honest...’ She then looks up and says ‘Yes’ while she’s looking right at Marina, letting her know pointedly, that yes, Cadu is bothered by your presence cause he knows there’s still a problem involving my feelings and you. I don’t know if she told Marina that she actually said to him that not everything has passed, but in any case, she’s confirming to Marina that he’s at least aware that it’s not all one happy family. She also wants Marina to know that that’s her own state of mind as well, that although she just had a little involuntary freak out, she *is* aware of the situation enough not to pretend to Cadu that everything is flowers and lollipops. Letting your husband know there’s a problem is a lot better than not letting him know anything.

So Marina figured out just now that Clara still has reservations about cheating on him. She wasn’t lying when she told Clara like half a minute ago that she wasn’t giving up on her, she immediately takes this next opportunity to prove her point. She laughs a bit when she says, ‘Cadu is the opposite of me, he’s so jealous and possessive.’ As Clara hears this she shrugs and smiles a bit as she looks down at the table, it’s like she feels a bit silly.

Going to make a sidestep here to try explain the silly, cause I can’t help remembering a conversation they had at the beach, not too long after they came back from Angra. Clara mentioned, well more like complained really, that Cadu wasn’t jealous. Marina then answers that at least he has a good trait. Clara disagrees, thinks it’s a bad thing. When Marina jokes ‘To love and be tamed.’ Clara actually agrees. She felt like we as women need to feel we belong to someone. So now I’m thinking, ok, so back then, she didn’t feel very desired I guess. Regardless of how she sees those things now, back then she thought women like to have a master, someone to tame them, who they belong to. In very raw words, she believed a man should protect his woman, basically see her as his property, to claim ownership when a ‘rival’ was having a go at it or whenever the damsel in distress was in dire need of rescuing of any kind.

She’s got a whole different view on things now, let me tell you. She threw that at Cadu loud and clear in that devastating fight they had after he yelled at Marina at Ivan’s school. Some quotes from that fight:

‘What do you mean by husband? Proprietor? Owner?’ ‘If it were necessary for my happiness, I end this.’ ‘Everything that concerns my happiness is very considerate, very defended by me.’ ‘I can’t accept to be unhappy. Get it?’

First of all, that scene still gives me the chills. Second, let’s all take a moment to thank Brazil and the Powers That Be forgiving us the divine Giovanna Antonelli.

Because Gio, Oh Gio, you are absolutely marvelous. You rocked that scene so hard I can still feel the beat every day. The passion you toss into every scene, no matter what emotion you’re making me believe in my heart and feel in my gut, everything you do is just off the chart genius and this fight was absolutely brutal. I hope you don’t ever get mad at me like that cause if you ever yelled at me like Clara yelled at Cadu, I’d go cry in a corner and start praying the end will come swiftly, knowing that whatever comes after can’t be as terrifying as that. No really. Don’t be mad at me. Ever. You’re awesome. Beijo?

Anyway, Clara was furious. All the things she said at that beach, she’s now defending the opposite with all her might and glory. I even admire Cadu a little yet at the same time have my doubts about his sanity, cause he’s still standing and actually dares to say stuff back, including this.

‘I don't want you involved with this woman.’

He’s making a rule. If he had been paying attention to what she said earlier in that fight, he’d know that was the wrong thing to say. So her reply to his rule in her new mindset, is pity.

‘Cadu, don’t make me pity you, for God’s sake.’
‘I won’t let anyone else take control, are you crazy?’

Remember this? When she told Juliana in the restaurant that she wasn’t modern at all, that she didn’t have an open mind? Thought if she didn’t know how to write a word or what it meant, she expected her husband to know? They should have more answers than questions. Men who don’t have answers can’t be trusted. She said she thought men should know more than women. Then she says it’s not about intelligence. I’m glad Juliana states the obvious so I don’t have to, she says that that’s backwards as hell and filled with prejudice and I’ll add that it makes no sense whatsoever. Clara actually saw women as the lesser gender. For real. Personally I’m really glad she let that one go, to be honest. Juliana agrees with me, cause she’s looking at her like, ‘Hey I just met you and you are crazy and also I don’t like this Clara, so get real maybe.’

Can we just stand still for a moment and recognize the huge change she went through? Not just her looks, her outfits, her confidence, her hair. No, not just those. I’m talking about her new views on gender roles, new definition of happiness, of love even. I’m talking about her beliefs. Her look on life.

When this fight takes place, Cadu not only doesn’t share his wife’s new beliefs, he hasn’t even caught on to fact that she changed so much. He’s still expecting her to get him breakfast, for him to have the right to know what’s going on at all times. He believes he can tell her not to see this woman and he believes he has the right to demand that she obeys. But while Cadu is the same Cadu as a year ago, Clara could not be more different.

Clara met Marina who opened her eyes, Clara grew, she grew closer to Marina, but Cadu didn’t notice her growth, he didn’t grow with her, so they grew apart instead. That said, while this change happened very fast, it didn’t happen overnight. It went step by step, piece by piece, idea by idea, Clara took her merry time and as she should have. This stuff you don’t decide on in a day. You grow into it, your gut tells you something’s off, something stings. When you’re confronted with something a few times that bugs you more and more each time, you realize at one point, your belief has changed. But in the meantime, until you figured them out, you’re still in the middle of deciding, or still clinging to your old belief because it’s the one you always knew.

Somewhere in the middle of that, Clara had already fallen for a woman when she told Ju all that nonsense about men and women and gender roles. Also somewhere in the middle, she was still not completely in agreement with herself on whether she liked her husband to be jealous or not. At first she didn’t like that he wasn’t, she didn’t feel wanted enough, desired, there was no passion. After her birthday party, he caught on to the fact that there was an interest from Marina’s side. They had a whole argument about how it doesn’t matter what the hell someone else feels, it matters what you do with it. Which is absolutely true. Someone can declare their love all they want, but if you don’t want to, keep saying no and keep going back home and sleep in your own bed, what’s the problem exactly? That’s what she was referring to. It’s all about trust. She did admit to something though, when she said, ‘If there’s any desire in it, hers or mine, I assure you, nothing’s happened.’ she admits there might be some feelings going on. But she brings it back to the trust thing. Nothing happened. It doesn’t matter what she does, what matters is what I do. Then she admits also, which I thought was totally awesome, that it hasn’t happened, yet. Implying it might. It’s fun how she almost contradicts herself a tiny bit. First she said, ‘Don’t be an asshole, trust me!’ Then she said, ‘Oh, right, but I might do it later anyway. Bye!’

I thought it was interesting, at first I thought it was just her loyal nature that made her admit to it. Being honest with a husband that was in that regard, always honest with her. While I still think that could be the case, now I see maybe a different angle as well. She didn’t feel desired, not wanted enough, not acting like he’s her owner, I read it as lacking of passion in their relationship too. Maybe during that fight she finally felt it. His jealousy, his ‘ownership’, something she was still in the middle of defining. Maybe she let it slip to keep this newfound fire going. To finally get some jealousy out of him. After all, she hadn’t done anything, she was faithful. She was falling for Marina, yes, had already fallen even. It’s playing with fire if that was a tiny part of her angle. But she didn’t know that yet. She didn’t know how strong her feelings would be. Right now, she had confusing feelings about this fascinating woman, but if her marriage was dull and lacking passion, maybe this was exactly what she needed. She didn’t know yet she’d be so in love with Marina that she wouldn’t be able to truthfully say there ever was a way out.

At this point in time, she was still completely devoted to her husband, denying her falling in love with Marina. It might just have been a tiny bit of spark for her that was enough . And while she started thinking less and less that she needed an ‘owner’ as time went by, maybe that jealousy that Cadu suddenly felt, something he never had, maybe it confused her feelings for Marina even more, kind of threw her off balance. She felt more and more for Marina, but she felt wanted by Cadu more as well at the same time. She could have confused that feeling wanted for a new spark in their relationship that she read as increased feeling towards him, while in reality it actually faded, it changed.

Admitting those very little words, might have just been on purpose. If they weren’t, they could have just been an accidental spark. The truth was, with her new beliefs radically changing and his beliefs stuck in the past, they were actually growing apart, but that’s not how it felt, so it must have been confusing . Add to that her growing feelings for Marina, it could have thrown her even more into a head spin, even stalled her in her decision making. It brought a new side to her marriage that confused her even more.

However, if that were the case, she’s not at that point anymore now, that’s for sure. That jealousy thing didn’t turn out to be so great after all. At first maybe she liked it, it ignited something, something she liked at first. But she soon realized that no, this wasn’t fun, this was annoying. Also, his jealousy was directed at Marina. Her love was aimed in the same direction, his annoyance with Marina hit a nerve, one that she found herself eager to defend. Even though she knew very well where his jealousy and suspicions came from and that he was right, her feelings for Marina only grew, she felt backed into a corner, trapped. All of it was confusing, she didn’t want to accept half of it which may have stalled her, made her doubt everything. When she was finally ready to make a move, Cadu got sick. Now she’s trapped.

It’s just a theory, one that I came up with while writing the scene from last night, that last line Marina says. My brain jumped places and I just felt a tickle, decided to follow it, kind of went with it, started writing and theorizing, see where it got me. Well here.

So back to the actual scene we were discussing, I apologize for going to every other scene they've ever had together, I just couldn’t resist. So here’s Marina, again pointing her to the ‘owner’ and ‘jealous’ aspect. It’s like she’s saying, remember when you felt that was fun, remember how you wanted that? Remember how silly that is now?

When Marina continues, Clara bites her lip even, she does seem to feel a bit silly, makes her a bit shy, then looks backs up at her.

‘Ok, he wants you all to himself.’ Marina continues. ‘But you have to open up your hubby’s mind, you need to show him he isn’t your owner.’ When she says ‘owner’ she emphasizes both syllables by stabbing the table pointedly with her finger when she says them. She wants to make her point again, the one she made in the talk she had in the studio last week, love and ownership aren't the same thing. Well, it was aired last week but considering they skipped a bit with Cadu’s recovery, for them it’s more like three weeks, I guess. But her point remains the same.

She said it way back when Clara and Cadu went to have lunch at her place on that Sunday, the day before the photo shoot. They were at the pool, Marina told Clara and Cadu both that ‘Happiness doesn’t mean faithfulness and vice versa. A person can be happy and not faithful, but fidelity without happiness doesn’t work.’ She’s reminding Clara of this again. She’s fine with Clara experiencing happiness with her, while she takes care of him. She knows how good it can be, she knows she’s going to blow Clara’s mind. All Clara needs to do, is take that step. Once they did that, she believes that Clara will see where her happiness can truly be found and she will leave him. I believe it too.

Clara looks at her, shakes her head, grins and calls her crazy. She then corrects herself. ’You are adorably crazy.’ This brings a hearty giggle back to them both which I like, because that ends the scene on a happy note. Adorably crazy, but crazy. They laugh, both of them, Marina does a little cute crazy head shake thing, like ‘Yeah, but if this is crazy, I’m certainly crazy enough for this, it’s not that crazy to me.’

So, Clara is once again reminded of the fact that Marina is waiting for her. She wants more. Clara realizes they've been going in that direction but she’s still been telling herself that she’s not ready to do it. At the same time she was so caught up in her wonderful non-dates and her secret non-affair that they’re not having, that she’s forgetting the bigger picture. That Marina is waiting, hurting. That she herself is torn, hurting, unhappy. That Cadu will be hurt more the longer she puts it off. This impasse only has one solution. If she doesn’t go for that solution, she’ll never know for sure, she’ll keep hurting people, she’ll be torn forever, she’ll be unhappy. She thinks she’s not willing to cheat on her husband, but to solve this, there’s no other way. Cheating may not be good, but doing this for longer than she has to, that's much worse.

And that’s what she will realize. Soon.



  1. The part about the kiss on the hand wasn't detailed enough :)

    1. Haha! I'm sorry :P I'll make it up to you when they kiss for real :P

  2. Shit! You have a gift, I read this again I felt the same thing when I saw that scene, but with greater intensity.
    They took the concept of sexy to another level.
    How a kiss on the hand may be so sensual? Never in my life seen anything like that. Small actions, kisses, words, smiles, caresses and stares express so much, anyone really feel all that.
    It's amazing the change we've seen of Clara, has been a wonderful transformation. She herself has said; "I'm not the same Clara".
    Oh! And that kiss was purely sexual.
    I am loving this phase of flirtation and I love even more that Clara are taking the initiative.
    Thank you for your thoughts Colette, I always, love reading your words.

    1. Thank you so much. Yeah, I still can't figure out how a hand kiss can be that powerful. I guess it's the Tainá touch :P
      Thanks for your comment <3

  3. Wonderful text once again... this was really one of their best scenes ever... from begining to end!!! And the kiss on the hand.... oh my goddd! unbelievable :)

    1. Yeah, that had a lot of emotion, took me a while to get through it :)
      Thank you <3

  4. I just had to let you know how awesome I think you are as a writer!! I Love reading your take on the #Clarina story-line. I don't think it's just your writing though its like you pay close attention to every detail and then you elaborate your thoughts and ideas so well. I come to your blog like erryday lol knowing I don't have the time to read it all and get warped into your words. And then im late for work lol. So much respect for your art of choice.

    1. Oy, don't get in trouble because of me, haha. Even though it's nice to hear my words warp you in, haha. Thank you so much. <3


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