Friday, June 13, 2014

Nothing stings and reasons still matter

AN: Some more bitching than usual. We get to the scene though, last night of course, the long awaited break up. So, lots of bitching, also lots of rambling, I might have managed to sound even more chaotic in this post than I sound in my head if that's even possible. Pondering if I should read this through first or if I should just slap some labels on it, hit 'Publish' and see what happens... Anyway, here we go:


So that was heavy stuff last night. First of all, let’s all raise a glass. The actual words have been spoken. The marriage is finally over. With all the stuff happening in the past weeks, it’s been rather enervating. first hearing about the time jump, skipping the first kiss, yeah, that left me furious. Then getting the confirmation that they’d kiss in the last week left me even more furious. How they could let this story not live up to its full potential, it still baffles me. If it’s up to me, we’re not done fighting. I felt cheated, discriminated, stabbed in the heart, robbed, gutted, I felt like taking to the streets with banners and having a protest at ‘het Binnenhof’, the government building of my country, conveniently located in my very own city of birth and residence. But they wouldn’t know what the hell my banners would mean. Flying over to Brazil would be an option, but I have no money to do that, so actually, not an option at all. I chose to dive into the project I had been working on since mid-may. Get the AE article published. Get them to focus on specific things. Get it published in time, so we can still make a change.

It’s also the reason I haven’t been able to write much for this blog lately, cause I spent nights awake writing emails, talking to people, making plans, utilizing hands and feet trying to communicate with my fellow bloggers and facebookers who only spoke Portuguese. This was both difficult and hilarious at times. It’s funny how Google translate can sometimes give you a better translation than a human translator could, yet how on other occasions it just derails the conversation in ways you think you can’t ever possibly recover from. But we did it. A bit later than I had hoped, but we did it. An elephant jumped off of my shoulder when it finally went live. When I took a good look at this elephant, I think it even winked at me and then I saw it carried his whole family on his back and I had been happily carrying them around. That’s how it felt anyway. I think I slept for 23 hours straight.

So, after getting the AfterEllen article published, then getting the confirmation of a second kiss, not nearly satisfied, but at least I felt like all the pressure did something. Do not underestimate the power of the fandom of ‘the gay couple with the most Chemistry you ever saw and ever will see’, which also happens to be a fandom that is watching their common love be mistreated by prejudice and bigotry. Bruce Willis doesn’t know anything about doing things with a Vengeance. No, that would be us. Constant twitter trends (every day now since March (yes, every day) and still going), passionate letters being mass tweeted to Globo, email bombs by the thousands, a feisty AE article calling them out on being prejudiced. You don’t just give us the hand kiss of the century and then stick your head back in the sand. Even though we didn’t succeed yet, you better believe they noticed us. You better believe they are impressed. Personally, I’m not about to stop just yet.

If they claim there is no taboo, well then they shouldn't have a reason to give us a certain amount of confirmed kisses. Luiza and Laerte don’t have a taboo hanging around them. We don’t see them getting a certain amount of kisses or love scenes, fact is, people would rather not see them at all. The amount of things wrong with that relationship, that should be something I can count. But I lost count on those. I’d rather hear they get one kiss, or two, nothing more. Now they manage to ambush me with it every single time. But Clarina, the most popular couple on the show, the couple with Chemistry from outer space, they get a kiss count. It should be the other way around. Yeah, I am bitter. In Clara’s words from last night:

It’s unfair.


Anyway, enough about that, I was actually planning on writing about the scene last night. Cause my point was, when I started talking about all the happenings of this week, that I was in a bit of a grr mood. A fighter mood, an unhappy mood. A not satisfied at all mood. I still kind of am, don’t get me wrong, but last night’s scenes, we all knew they were coming, they’d finally break up. The marriage would finally end and then we’d get this cursed time skip which gives Globo the perfect bullshit excuse to dodge the first kiss, something that’s beyond my wildest imagination since after all this buildup with all this Chemistry with a capital C, why do all that buildup if you’re just gonna skip the explosion of it? I don’t get why they made it so awesome on the journey to get there, if they never intended to show us them arriving at their destination. Or how they stayed there (yes I know we'll get a month of them together, but we still get a kiss count, I'm talking realistic representation). This logic isn’t logic I can follow. Maybe my logic isn’t as logical as I think it is. No, I don’t like where this is going, let’s get back on topic quickly.

So anyway, my mood was a bit meh, not too happy, but this breakup was happening at least. Long overdue, so at least that was something. It was welcome. I preferred if it were Clara that cut the rope, but no, it was Cadu. Meh again. Ok then, I got over that too, at least someone was cutting the damn rope, right? So I was looking forward to it. When it happened I still got ambushed. I got ambushed by my own elation and ‘finally!’ feeling, when Cadu finally said the words. For four months, literally, four months, we have been waiting for this. Never has a divorce been so anticipated. First we thought she’d cheat after Queen Juliana told her to. We loved it, try it, you’ll know! Try it! But then she didn’t. If she had, she wouldn’t have been in doubt and in pain all this time. Neither would Marina. Hell, neither would Cadu. Now he’s been in doubt for months too. He knew his wife was falling hard for Marina. It’s what he is blaming on her now. Keeping him hanging on. Keeping them both hanging on. Falling in the first place. Sure it would have sucked for him at first. A break up is never fun. But he would have gotten over it, he’d see his wife was way happier. He’d see the change in her and realize they were indeed not meant to be together but she was meant to be who she was now, to be with who she was now. He’s a handsome guy too, charming dude, he’s already got women fighting over him before he even said the words to Clara that their marriage ends here. Cadu would be alright. Trust me. So would Ivan. He'd get double love, double birthday presents. There is no scar on children whose parents are happy with who they are with and love their kid like nothing else. That’s Ivan, right there. He'll be just fine.

So, the word was finally out. I didn’t think I’d be this happy about it. I was still in that meh-vibe and surprised myself by wanting to scream and shout and dance and sing and other embarrassing things. I did them all too. My cats don’t look at me funny as much anymore. I talk to myself a lot and even more when I write, sometimes I burst into song when the tune is catchy enough. One of my cats even sings with me. I’m not kidding. Ok, maybe he’s begging me to stop, jury’s still out on that. Anyway, I was happy with that development. All this fighting, all this effort I put into it, that we put into it. She wouldn’t cheat, so ok, leave him then. But no. It’s very complicated for me, she kept saying. Yeah, it’s not gonna get less complicated, I wanted to tell her. I don’t have Clara’s email address though, so I couldn’t. Bummer.

A toast! To the end of Cladu and the beginning of Clarina!

Finally! She’s free. My joy came as a surprise. I didn’t think it would feel this good. Such an uphill battle. At least we got this. When Marina heard the news, I saw the faint smile flicker on her face, I told her out loud to push it away, now is not the time. She thought the same, she knew Clara was sad, so she did the right thing. Time to be happy about this later, but right now, the love of her life is sad, she lost something dear to her, right now we’re going to be there for her. We’ll let this sink in later. Marina was wise and caring, she tried to comfort her love. That’s when Cadu showed up.

Yes, I am really done bitching now (for now), so let’s get to the actual scene properly, yeah? We take a closer look at Clara’s reaction here. And Cadu’s, for that matter. To me they were both understandable, but also both unreasonable. Yes, Clara and Cadu both. What kept lingering in my thoughts were a few words. Together they painted the picture that in the end, Clara felt completely misunderstood. She felt like everybody understood her all wrong. All her intentions, all her actions, they all had a purpose, a specific goal. She put herself in the backseat, for that one specific goal. She put Marina in the backseat for that same goal. To do this right. To do the right thing. To not cheat on her husband. To not be the bad guy. To be good parents to Ivan.

She was totally misunderstood. In her eyes, right now, she failed.

What stayed with me were a few things. She tells Marina it ended in the worst way possible. Well, no one died, she still didn’t technically cheat. Her husband got through his transplant, she took care of him. He’s mad at her, he told her. You conducted the end of our relationship very badly. Very badly. He accused her of staying on the fence while she oversaw left and right and stayed high and dry. She told him she was suffering. She made herself suffer. She sacrificed something. A lot of things. She suffered a lot. She needed all her strength and willpower to keep suffering this much cause she wanted the suffering to end so badly. She held on. She suffered. Can't he see that? Oh sure he can. But it doesn’t matter. Cause in his eyes, she made others suffer too much. Too long. He even mentioned Marina suffered. He even realized that part. That this must be hard for her. Granted, he forgot about it when he said she deserved a punch in the face later, but let’s cut him some slack, ok? He didn’t punch her, which is good, he just lost his wife to her, which is not good, if you’re Cadu. The guy is upset. I’m willing to let that one slide. He didn’t punch her. That’s what matters. He only told her she deserved a good one. Well, he’s entitled to have his opinion, it happens to be the opinion of a guy who just lost his wife and who didn’t actually punch her, so moving on.

His first accusation as the fight starts, he is mad they were having such a romantic moment. Right in the middle of the Shed, everyone could enjoy the moment. Clara’s response is that she never hid what she felt for her, she was always honest, sincere. Well yes, but I can kinda see how he doesn’t want it rubbed in his face. Yeah, they did agree on a divorce in that awesome scene a week ago when she forgot her ring and she said she left it at the Bistro. So it was in the air. But let’s pretend you’re Cadu here for a moment. Just step out of your own skin and be this guy. Forget your own beliefs and values, forget your own ideas about men and women and equality. Pretend you’re him.

You are about to marry Clara and you tell her even before that happens that you’d like her to make you breakfast all the time. You’d like a nice housewife. You are the man of the house (no, seriously, just go with it for a sec, humor me, I know you feel like taking a shower now, but just for a moment), you are the man of the house, you’ll get the money. Be the breadwinner. Your wife will stay at home and do the laundry, the dishes, vacuum the floor. Just the tiny detail that money and responsibility aren't your thing, well, let’s forget about that for a second. You can find ways to justify those. You don’t plan to cheat on your wife ever, but you don’t mind flirting with pretty ladies, you love the attention (I bet you guys can relate better now eh?), you are a charmer. You don’t really notice that your wife might not be very happy about it. You also don’t notice that she’s swallowing her own pride cause she trusts you, she’ll give you this pleasure. She’ll let you flirt, it’s who you are, she doesn’t want to change it. She trusts you, as she should, too. But she does, she’s not giving you trouble over it. Not until recently. You don’t even notice she never did, until she started doing it. Then you noticed the difference. Maybe you still didn’t notice. Maybe you just thought she was being unreasonable. She was being defensive after all. Yeah, that’s probably it.

You also feel it’s a bit funny when your wife suddenly wants to work. You find it unnecessary, but sure, let her have her fun. Cause when you open your bistro, you expect her to drop all of it anyway and come work there. It’s a family business right? When she says she likes where she works and wants to stay, you don’t understand it. You are the man of the house, you have a dream, you have a plan, why is she not supporting you? You don’t see that she is supporting you. You don’t see she has her own dreams. You also don’t see that she is changing. You see the change when it’s already too late, when you don’t know how to change her back. You don’t even consider changing along with her. You’d prefer she went back to the housewife, back to the woman who brought you breakfast. Who you expected to work in the family business. Two years ago she probably would have done it.

Suddenly she is being difficult. Suddenly she’s throwing that flirting thing from back then in your face. You don’t know what the big deal is, you weren't doing anything. You weren't planning on doing anything. You just really enjoyed it. You still don’t see she had to swallow some pride that night. There was no need for her to swallow some pride. This is what guys do. Be charming. But you’re mad when someone shows interest in her. You assume she doesn’t see it. How can you not see it, you tell her. How can you be so naïve? She yells back that it doesn’t matter. It didn’t occur to you that she already knew. Now that you know that she already knew, you don’t trust her. Or you don’t trust the other one. You don’t see the logic she threw at you. It doesn’t matter what they feel, it matters what we feel. You have confirmation the other feels something! She doesn’t confirm, but you read between the lines. You're clever like that. You don’t feel good about it. It didn’t make sense when she threw the same argument at you. It still doesn’t, she has nothing to fear. But the other way around, it matters. You don’t trust the other one. You don’t trust them with Clara.

Then she confirms she might have desires. Maybe that’s why you had double standards. You didn’t even know you had double standards. You feel threatened, threatened by this woman. You've never been threatened by a man, when it comes to Clara, as far as you know. You never had reason to feel threatened. Suddenly you feel threatened. But how do you compete with this woman? This woman that has fallen for your wife. YOUR wife. We better set this straight. You get mad at that woman. You start acting irrationally around her, even though you think this is how you are supposed to act. Your wife gets mad, you don’t get it. She tells you again she has feelings. She even yells at you that she’d leave if she had to, to chase her happiness. You don’t recognize her anymore. You don’t recognize this marriage. You are still the man of the house, so you tell her you don’t want her to see her anymore. She doesn’t react as you thought she would. She gets furious. Let’s try another one, let's try kids. Women have a weak spot for kids, this will get her to see what’s happening. You accuse her of wanting to be with that woman more than with her son. She doesn’t react as you thought she would again, she gets even more furious, starts pummeling your chest. You don’t recognize her at all. You don’t know what to do. Not about your wife, who changed so much. Not about this woman, who’s becoming closer to your wife. You don’t realize that by hanging on to your old beliefs while she’s embracing new ones, you’re pushing her further and further away. You feel it happening, but you don’t understand why it is happening. We have a family, a plan, the Bistro, why would she give all that up? You can’t see that it was never her plan. She didn’t like the plan. You never asked.

Even as your marriage gets weaker and weaker, you don’t see the similarities when you flirt with women. The doctor. Veronica. You are a charmer, women like charmers, they feel flattered, right? Let’s be a charmer. It’s ok to do that. You don’t see why she’s bringing that up. You should protect your woman from guys making a move, women who are married don’t like that. But it’s your job to make women feel liked. Flirted with. You don’t see the double standard. You are a charmer.

You get sick. Really sick. You are the breadwinner, you are the man of the house. Whatever you do, don’t pity me. Don’t stay with me out of pity. You couldn’t deal with it. When you faint just before you’re about to have some sex, you beg her not to tell anyone about it. It’s an image. You’re a strong man. You‘re the man of the house. Nobody should know that you couldn’t perform. That the excitement was too much. To you it doesn’t matter that your heart is the actual issue. To you it’s a weakness as a man. Everybody would understand, your heart has a serious problem. Nobody would think less of you. To you it matters. You don’t want to be seen as weak. You are a strong man. A charmer. You flirt with ladies to make them feel better.

That is who you are.

But now your wife is flirting with a lady. In the middle of the Bistro. Everyone can see. You’re not the charmer now. Your wife is. You are standing behind the bar, making food. Everyone can see, how your wife is flirting. In your line of sight. It’s bad enough that she is doing it. But now she is doing it, so that everyone can see, that in this household, you’re not the charmer. You're not the strong one. She is. At least, that's what you think people are thinking, that they see your wife as strong. And you as weak. It doesn't occur to you women can be strong. Maybe a little. But stronger than men, you can't even imagine the shame you would feel, if they thought your wife was stronger than you.

At least that’s how you see it. That’s also the part you can’t deal with. People know, people are talking about it. People must think you’re some kind of a weak man. They must realize that with this heart transplant you weren't able to perform your bedroom duties for a while now. You feel your wife should respect you. Work with you in your dream bistro, gladly. Happy she can help you achieve your dream. You respect her too, you respect her by loving her, not cheating on her, not hitting her, by keeping her safe. By wanting her to work with you in your bistro. Make her feel appreciated. By telling her thank you when she gives you breakfast in bed. You show her gratitude. You don't take her household duties for granted, right? You appreciate her for it, say 'thank you, lovely eggs' every now and then. You respect her, she respects you. That's how you think respect works. Instead she’s standing there in the middle of the room for everyone to see how she doesn’t respect you at all, by flirting in your face. In everyone’s face. People must think you are an extremely weak man, if it’s not you, but her, who’s charming the ladies. It’s more than you can handle. It’s the drop that overflows the bucket.

If you are Cadu.

Ok, go back to being yourself, I've tortured you long enough. What I am trying to make clear, is that Cadu has really outdated views on roles of men and women. Now, even someone with modern views on these things wouldn’t particularly care to see their spouse carelessly flirt with another person in the middle of everyone you know, no matter what gender they are. Even if they admitted to feeling it. Also, last week, in that epic fight in the bedroom, they decided to divorce. So technically, she can do what she likes, right? Discretely, would be my guess. But they are not divorced yet. People know they are still married. Here she is, in his eyes, disrespecting him, making him look like a fool. Sure, he has a point somewhere. But also, they agreed on a divorce, it’s just kind of being dragged out cause it’s scary to take the actual step. Even if people know they are going to divorce, right there, it doesn’t matter. It’s too in his face. Agree with it or not, if you’re Cadu, it’s a good reason. If you’re someone else, you might not care. You might care a little. You might care a lot. But he is Cadu. If you’re Cadu, it’s a slap in the face.

Clara might realize, she might have realized if she remembered the rest of the world existed when she was talking to Marina. She tells Marina he accused her of exposing him in front of everybody. She is confused. She maybe should have taken a moment to consider. Maybe she didn’t think it should matter, maybe she didn’t even notice how intimate it looked, how in love they look. To her, she was being honest. She feels that she never did anything. The actual step, a kiss, sex, that was the crime. She never did the crime. In her eyes, the punishment for NOT doing the crime was so harsh, she could at least flirt with it. That way it hurt a bit less. That way she could hang in there, it’s what enabled her to resist committing the crime. Without this, she’d go crazy. To her, this was the price for resisting to commit the crime. Don’t sleep with Marina? Don’t cheat? Ok, then that’s the hardest thing I ever did. I can only continue to do that if I do this. It’s the price of being faithful right now. Logic doesn’t matter, reason doesn’t matter. Feelings do. This is how she felt. She couldn’t do it without this. She needed it. She was being honest about it. That’s all she could do. That and not committing the crime. In her eyes, she was doing it right.

So then he blows up at her. To him it’s disrespecting. To her it’s doing things with best intentions in the best way she knows how. They are on opposite sides of the spectrum here. Completely opposite views. He throws accusations at her, that she ‘kept the water boiling’. Didn’t choose cause it was easier. She doesn’t agree, not yet. She will probably realize later she was just justifying this by telling herself she loved both. She was scared too. She still is. She will realize she should stop being scared. Take a risk. But not yet. Right now she’s being accused of all the things she tried so desperately to avoid. She tried to do it right. He says she did it badly. She suffered, she says. She made herself suffer. He says she made others suffer too. He says she did things behind his back. She claims she never did. She was honest about it. She tried to be as honest as she could. Now he still accuses her of living behind his back. She tried to avoid that as best she could. Sharing epic double hand holds with your girlfriend who you’re totally having a platonic love affair with, isn’t doing nothing. But she wasn’t cheating, she never kissed her. She resisted. She never slept with her. She wanted to. She never did. She never crossed the line. Clara tried to do everything the right way.

Did she? Matter of opinion. I think Cadu has points. I also think she does. I also think they both made mistakes. The point is, she gave up her job, her life, her love, herself, everything, for him. To do it right. And he’s throwing in her face that she’s been doing it very, incredibly and utterly wrong. All her efforts, all her sacrifices. For nothing. He’s accusing her of all the things she wanted to avoid.

Unfair Accusation, she says, when he claims she’s been holding them all on a little rope, dragging them along. He’s right, in a way. She did. He’s also wrong, cause it truly wasn’t what she wanted. She just picked a different option and it got misunderstood. She had different logic. She says he has so much anger. It scares her. She didn’t expect it. She doesn’t understand it. She tried to do everything right. Doesn’t he see that? No he doesn’t. He see it from Cadu eyes. She sees it from Clara eyes. They both see things very differently.

She says he ends things with a punch. She doesn’t want him to. His stab, right before he ends it, she didn’t have the courage. She doesn’t see it that way. Not yet. She thought she had all the courage. She didn’t commit the crime. She resisted. She was strong. By not committing the crime. By not giving in. She will see later that courage would have been to face facts. She thought courage was fighting for what she had. Resisting what she wanted. She’ll find that courage is, to go for your happiness. She should have done it. Long ago. She doesn’t see it yet. When he says it, it hurts ten times more, cause she thinks she was displaying all the courage and strength in the world. She told Ju she didn’t have it then, she failed. She should have done it then, she didn’t. She figured facing the situation as it was now, was her courage. In a way it was. She did it all, she stayed, took care of him, resisted Marina. Now that he was better, she should have had the courage to face the truth. She mistook courage for something else. For fighting for a lost cause. Not giving up. She’ll see it soon. But when he tells her, she doesn’t see it. She only feels the sting.

She is hurt when she says he talks like all his reasons are noble. She means, he talks like all his reasons are, but more importantly, hers are not at all. All her reasons were noble. All her actions had one purpose, to do it right. Those were her reasons. She may have made mistakes, but her intentions were good. She loved him, for a long time. It was only recently she acknowledged that Cadu and her were a friendship, no longer romantic. She still didn’t cut the rope. Her reasons then, were Ivan. We must make this a harmonious place for Ivan. Fix everything first, then cut the rope. The problem is, you can’t fix it, until after you cut it. She didn’t see it. She wanted everything to be good and fixed, before she cut the rope. Before the rope was cut. She didn’t realize they only got worse. They would get even worse, the only solution would be to cut the rope. Start over, then fix it, in the new situation. She feared that new situation. She feared that cutting the rope was so permanent, there was no turning back. What if stuff couldn’t be fixed? What if Ivan needed this household? Maybe not, but what if? It was a risk. It was her son. She couldn’t take the risk. She didn’t dare. What if she made the wrong call? A permanent decision made, turns out it was the wrong one. This was about her son. Her marriage. She knew it was lost, but her respect for marriage, although not as strong as before, not by far, she still had some respect for it. A permanent decision that screwed up her son? No way to turn it back. Price is too high. Her intentions were nothing but noble. He’s playing the martyr here. He’s playing the victim. In a way he is. But she’s not the executioner. She wanted to be the savior. The one that could still make it right, have everyone happy in the end. Just had to be patient. Fix it first, then decide. Noble intentions. Different method. In this case, not one that works.

He tells her, right before he leaves their first conversation, that there is only one part that gets hurt in the end, and that’s him. Her face represents the stab and punch in the gut that she’s receiving right there. The pain she went through. The agony. The torture to resist the crime. The sacrifices she made. The pain she had to send Marina through along with herself. With those few words, he erases all that effort. He doesn’t recognize the pain she went through. The sacrifice she made. Everything she gave up. From her job, to free time, to taking care of her husband and her son, working in a place she didn’t want to be working at in the first place, putting the woman she loves through all that pain. Putting herself through it. It’s for nothing. He doesn’t acknowledge it. She wanted to be able to say in the end, I did all I could. I had all the right intentions. I took the pain, I took the hurt, I underwent it all, to do the right thing. I went through hell and back, to do the right thing. He erases all the effort, by claiming he’s the only one that hurts.

Unfair, she tells Marina. She is not just upset that ten years of marriage is over. I think that’s the part that hurts least. She knew that was coming. They both knew that was coming. She had some time to prepare. She didn’t want to take the step yet cause it was too soon. She didn’t fix everything yet. It’s here now. Sooner than she thought. She’s afraid of the things she didn’t fix yet, that’s one. But the fact that all her efforts, all her pain, all her torment, all her agony of not committing the crime, trying to do the right thing, have all been for nothing. That’s the part that guts her to her core. It’s unfair. I’m still the bad guy, she thinks. I did everything I could. He’s still so mad. She thought she did everything the way she should. Whether she was right or wrong, right now doesn’t matter. This was her way. Her way to do it right. All for nothing.

When Marina comes to comfort her, she does recognize the fact that they can be together now. But the pain in her heart is evident in her eyes. All the effort was for nothing. All this resisting the crime, for nothing. It didn’t matter. He still thinks she did all the wrong things. She emphasizes to Marina she did it all to end it in a good way. All of it. All the sacrifices she made, all the pain she made herself go through. All the pain she made Marina go through. How she pulled away from her because of Cadu. She wants Marina to understand her reasons again. Marina does. She also wants Cadu to understand them. He doesn’t. She’s trying to get confirmation here. I did this for the right reasons. I had the best intentions. That part was clear right? Why can’t he see that? Was that part not clear? Did I mess up? She’s trying to convince Marina, cause she had to suffer with her, but also trying to get confirmation, that she didn’t screw it up. Now there’s a life lesson she didn’t wanna learn. She’s scared she’s about to learn it the hard way, by having to acknowledge she made a mistake.

She tells Marina, you know I tried everything to end this story in a good way, for my son. Especially for her son. Marina knows. She was put in the backseat, you bet she knows. It might not have been the path that she would have taken, but Marina doesn’t have a son, she realizes that. It’s a different situation. She wasn’t married either. She may have thought it wasn’t the ideal path, but she told herself Clara knew what was best for Clara and her family. Once she knew that Clara returned her feelings, she was willing to wait. She waited a long time.

When Clara finally said that the marriage was over, she couldn’t help but be happy. To immediately see the possibilities. To immediately see the door wide open, no more husband. The ultimate obstacle, the one that for so many is remarkably easy to overcome, that obstacle was impossible to overcome for Clara, whatever her reasons were. That obstacle was now gone. After the initial shock fades, a smile almost came through her face, her happiness that needed an out. But she manages to hold it back, cause she sees Clara. She sees the heartbreak in Clara’s eyes, in her face, in her shoulders, she hears it in her voice. She knows how this hurts Clara, she knows this is not the time to celebrate that the marriage is over. We’ll have time for that later. Right now, Clara has just lost the man she was married to for ten years. She lost the man she loved for ten years. A love she thought was as good as it gets. She already knows it’s not as good as it gets, Clara knows her love for Marina is stronger. She knows it gets better.

But she still loved him for ten years. She did everything to do this the right way, within the limitations of her own imagination. She made mistakes, yes, but her intentions were good. Now the marriage ended in the worst way possible. She did all the right things, she put her son and husband in the front seat, her husband’s new heart in the glove compartment, herself in the backseat and Marina in the trunk. And it turns out, it was all for nothing. Marina isn’t thinking about being with Clara at this moment. Ok, maybe a little. But she’s more worried about Clara. Cause Clara is gutted, hurt. Clara hurt, that’s not gonna work for Marina. That needs to be fixed. So she once again puts herself in the backseat. Forgets that she is thrilled about the marriage being over and she’s there for Clara. Cause Clara doesn’t understand what happened. She resisted the crime of being with Marina. It hurt so much. It’s like it never happened. She might as well have committed the crime 2 months ago. She doesn’t understand how it turned into ‘it was all for nothing’. She can’t see yet where it all went wrong.

Cadu is angry, he doesn’t understand her reasons. She wanted Marina to understand her reasons, right before Cadu’s transplant. Marina did, she understood. Marina loved her even more for it. Cadu doesn’t understand her reasons. He can’t see them. He can’t understand them. But he can’t, cause those reasons are the reasons he’s in pain now, why he lost his wife, a wife he was faithful to for ten years. He feels she hasn’t been faithful to him. It’s twisted, cause he said it himself, it doesn’t matter what Silvia and Marina feel for us, what matters is what we do with it. That’s exactly it, Clara didn’t do anything with it. She wanted to. She felt it. A feeling isn’t something you can control. Acting on it is. She didn’t act on it. That was her justification. It’s what he gave as an argument after Felipe outed Silvia to the whole family. It’s what we do. Clara didn’t do anything. She wanted to see her. She kept seeing her. But she didn’t do anything. His own arguments are working against him but he doesn’t even see it.

It’s not Clara or Cadu that’s wrong, it’s the arguments. Feeling it, wanting it to happen, buying time until you find the courage, saying you’re not thinking of sleeping with her, yet. It’s all clear, it was going to happen. One day. His arguments of not doing anything play against him, but he can’t even think through his own reasoning right now. All he knows is that she loves Marina so much, and now his marriage is over. She may not have truly acted on it, but she did. And she didn’t. She had feelings. That’s not her fault. But he also thinks it is. He’s hurt. Nothing makes sense. She should have decided long ago. That part we all agree on. Except the script. That’s the one part that didn’t agree with us.

She thinks he believes she’s not suffering, she thinks he thinks she deliberately played him, which is why it stings twice as hard, cause she did everything in her power to do this the right way, at least the way she thought was the right way. She stayed with him even when it broke her heart. She didn’t cheat on him even though her desire screamed for her to do it, she didn’t want to be the bad guy. No matter what, she didn’t want to be the bad guy. She wanted to do the right thing and suffered for it, she had her love Marina suffer for it. Now it’s all for nothing.

She thought being honest with him was enough. I have feelings, I want her, but I’m not acting on my desires. Always very sincere. At times she didn’t even feel he had the right to be mad at her. When she wanted to spend time with her, he didn’t like it, but she felt like he had no right to be mad. She is her friend. Yeah, they were in love with each other, but she wasn’t planning on sleeping with her. She’s not going to commit the crime. She told him this many times. In her eyes, that justified it. He didn’t believe her and even if sometimes he did, he still didn’t like it. When she looks back on this later she'll probably understand, but right now, she doesn’t.

When he talks to Marina, says he’d punch her if she were a man, she’s outraged. She saw their marriage was flawed. Maybe not the day before she met Marina, but she saw it after she met her. She realized that it was flawed. She changed, her views changed, she realized her marriage wasn’t the marriage she wanted. Her love is being attacked right now. She tells him, frustrated, that the failure of this relationship is not Marina’s fault. There were flaws, long before. She identified the flaws once she identified herself. Cadu never did. He was comfortable. In Cadu eyes, this was fine. He'll realize he will be quite happy with someone else, say, Veronica, but right now he doesn’t know that yet. He doesn’t realize that other women are probably a way better match than Clara. The real Clara does not match with Cadu..

Marina tells Cadu this is not a love scene. She’s comforting someone dear to her. He throws it back at her, she was dear to me first. When he does that, Clara looks guilty. She was dear to him. She knows. She’s dear to Marina too. Even more so. This is true love. Nothing more dear than that. Just like she couldn’t compare, neither can he. He doesn’t feel what Marina feels. He doesn’t feel the happiness she felt after the photo shoot. The happiness they both felt. He can’t relate. All he knows is his own pain. His own wife, who was dear to him. Clara realizes this, she feels guilty. She tries to hide behind her own arms. Tries to not be in this situation. Everything goes wrong. Everything she planned. She feels guilty, for hurting him, for falling for another. But then he accuses Marina of deliberately and pointedly destroying the relationship. You can celebrate, you tried so hard, finally got what you wanted. He makes it sound like her goal was to destroy their marriage. It wasn’t. She simply fell in love and couldn’t stay away. She tried to back out a few times even. But true love doesn’t let you. It keeps bringing you back. It kept bringing Clara back too. They kept being pulled back in. There was no fighting this.

So Clara furiously defends her woman. This marriage was flawed long before. He doesn’t hear it, because he doesn’t agree with it. Him and his housewife. He was fine with that. She wasn’t happy, but that wasn’t the most important question on his list, if she was or not. It wasn’t even a question. He simply assumed that if he was happy, she was too. He was wrong. He still is. She still can’t see it. To him, they were fine until Marina showed up. In his mind she poisoned Clara’s mind, told her she wasn’t happy with him, would be happier with her. He said it when he nearly died in her studio trying to call out his rival. The fact that she wasn’t happy in the first place doesn’t occur to him. That Marina only showed her the way to her true happiness. It’s simply not an option. To him, she did this. Clara did this. By returning the feelings. By letting her mind get poisoned. Cadu has my permission to be bitter and upset, because after all, he just lost his wife. He doesn’t get my permission to be misogynist. He does it anyway though. So much for his sympathy points.

It surprises Clara that he’s talking with so much anger at her. She doesn’t understand it, really. Not yet, she’ll give it more thought, and she will. But at this moment, when he’s throwing it all at her, she doesn’t understand at all. She gave up everything to do the right thing. She gave up Marina, she gave up her heart, she put herself in the backseat. She gave up her work in the studio, she gave up her own desires, to keep his bistro running. His bistro. The one she didn’t want. After a day of hard work and hearing people tell her how hard it must be for Cadu, she went home, to give him a shower. To help him with his exercises. All this time she suffered. She told him that he didn’t recognize her efforts. He says he did. He recognized that she took really good care of him. Of him. Not how she stopped taking care of herself. It’s still about him. He says he recognized, but he didn’t. He only said he was grateful for taking care of him. Getting him back on his feet. Not one word about how she suffers, how she gave up her life. Her happiness. She probably hurt more than him. Her love for Marina was greater than her love for Cadu and she was missing it. Her love for Cadu was making her feel bad, cause she knew he’d be hurt by it. She felt everything way more intensely than he did. Sure he feels hurt. But his love for Clara, he can overcome. He’ll be dating Veronica before he knows it. His love for Clara can’t be compared to her love for Marina. That’s tenfold. She was hurting. She still is. Then he tells her he’s the only one that is hurt here.

He has valid points though, but his arguments are wrong. She did keep him on a leash. She intended to fix everything first. A noble goal. Maybe not the best solution. She didn’t know. It’s not like she had been in this situation before. Fear combined with the need to do the right thing? Sometimes you do the wrong thing to get to the right thing. She found courage not to decide. She should have used the courage to make the decision.

Unfortunately, that was not in the stars. By stars I mean script. The script should have read different lines, back in April, after the two shared their first almost kiss. They should have read something like this:

She rehearsed, she rehearsed, she rehearsed, but instead of telling Juliana a month later that she chickened out, she didn’t back down this time, she didn’t change her mind, she didn’t drive over to Cadu’s bistro, where his sad face, his affected manhood and his pleas not to pity him talked her out of telling him they needed a break. But instead the script would have told her to drive over to Marina’s place, where she entered the studio, saw her photographer lying on the floor on a blanket, staring at pictures of Clara on her laptop. Marina would have sat up, wanting to stand up, but Clara would fall on her knees in front of her before she even got the chance to. Then she’d look her in the eyes cause she rehearsed, she had so much to tell her, but when she saw those eyes she decided that she would just show her instead, simply cause it seemed like the best way to say it anyway. She had to know, she had to know now. This is when she passionately crashed their lips together and nothing else existed anymore except them.

One passionate, sweaty adventure later she realized exactly where she should have been all this time. Right here in this bed, this bed that they somehow managed to make their way to a few hours before, she couldn’t even remember how, but it didn’t matter, cause she’d be in this bed many times from now on. The things she experienced this very afternoon, there was no way back. Reaching for the sky, didn’t even cover it. Next step was telling Cadu she’d leave him. She’d ponder that for a few days, but within a week she told him in tears that she was leaving the marriage. Not motherhood, just marriage. She hated hurting him, she tried to fight her feelings as best as she could, but they were too strong, turned out to be stronger than her, stronger than her love for him. She felt horrible for hurting him, but at least she was honest. He was upset, of course. Hurt, his feelings, his pride, all of it. All very logical.

Ivan was a bit confused at first, he was happy they weren't fighting anymore, sad they weren't together, it also took some time to get used to mama’s new friend who was suddenly cuddling with her on the couch, his father was grumpy in this new apartment he found after a few weeks, so he tried to hug him a lot. And after he told him one day that he’d never seen mama smile so much, so bright and more often than she ever had, his father seemed to be a bit less grumpy every day. One day Ivan came home from school and he even found Veronica on the couch hastily moving away from his dad and they started babbling about how they were just listening to music and started acting all stupid. Adults can be so weird, he thought. But when it was his birthday a few months later he got twice the amount of presents and his parents managed to have perfectly normal conversations, even laughed when he showed them a new magic trick, shared looks between them that told him that both his parents were proud of him. Marina gave him this really cool camera and he took it everywhere now, his father even complimented him when he took pictures of every room in the Galpão with it, even though he got the camera from Marina. Everybody still hung out together, smiled a lot more than they did back in April, everybody loved him to pieces. Ivan was fine with this.

That is what the script should have said.


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