Saturday, August 23, 2014

Full Moon, by BecomingLight - First Kiss ATC English Fanfic Challenge

Full Moon
by BecomingLight

This time has been very good to understand who I am for real. And when I fell in love with you, Marina, a part of the Clara that I knew died in me. And now with the separation from Cadu the other part of Clara is taking its leave. I'm full of certainty without being certain and you know what? That is good! Do I sound crazy? But I've never been so clear. Finally I have begun to understand that I am the owner of my own story. Damn, what a responsibility! I can't run away and I don't have the right to do that to myself so the time has come to transform all the fear because without love, nothing is worthwhile, right? Nothing.

I'm sitting on the beach and it's dark. I'm cold and I've been here for far too long, I know I should return home but I don't instead I'm staring up at the moon that rose above the horizon at dusk, pulling away from the horizon as the sun set. It's full, shining it's silver light across the dark skies. I close my eyes and breath in the salty tang of the ocean, listen to the waves crashing, I listen to the beat of my heart in my chest. I do all these things to try and calm my mind.

Certainty without being certain.

I am certain that Cadu and I are over. For that I shed my tears, rivers of them have tracked down my face, each one is me trying to let go of him and my old life. I felt sure I'd cried every tear I had but somehow there always seems to be more. Ten years of tears. Perhaps there will always be more.

I'm uncertain of what awaits me. My future, once clear, even keeled has been tossed up and is crashing down like the waves on the shore, I can feel the waters in me pulling back, perched, ready to crash once more on the sand and I know I must step boldly forward into who I am, no one else can do it for me. I know what I want but it terrifies me and leaves me breathless with anticipation. Gently, gently, I caution myself, there's no rush.

I pull out my phone and re-read the e-mail Marina had sent in response mine three days ago. Just a few words:

My dearest Clarinha,

I will re-read your e-mail a million times while waiting for you. Take the time you need, but please... don't take too long.

I love you. 


Always. The word heartens me, they make me feel less afraid.

I stand to go. I stand to go home to a marital bed that is half empty now. But before I go I turn to face the ocean, holding my hands out to my side , close my eyes and sending a prayer out to God and to Cadu. I came here to say good bye to him tonight because this is where we first met. The wind whips around me as I form the words in my mind, I feel tears cold against my cheek and send out my love to him like a promise. He will always be my family and the father of my son. May God bless him. When I open my eyes I stand still a moment and wonder if it's done. Maybe I expected more of an event, for the universe to provide a more dramatic bookend to that phase of my life but the waves are still crashing and the moon is still hanging silent, keeping vigil in the night. I turn to go.

It's dark in the apartment. The space yawns and echoes. Ivan is with Cadu tonight and I miss him so much, my sweet boy. I've never spent a night away from him yet. I sit on the couch and look around me. I really look, the way you do when things have changed, you're suddenly jolted back into your skin and you actually pay attention to the things that for so long have faded into the backdrop of your life. I see the vase my mother gave me on our wedding day, the coffee table Cadu and I had picked out together, the faded stain on the couch where Ivan had crushed a half eaten blackberry into the upholstery when he was three. Never could get that out. The longer I sit, the more memories come, they rise up like ghosts in the half-light, whispering to me, they make me feel unsteady, I don't want to be here right now.

I grab the keys and lock the memories away, they bang on the apartment door asking for me stay and listen to them a little longer but I know they will only make me question my choices because it was good, so very good for so long. I drive the streets of Rio instead, busy, bustling and full of life, rattling away in that truck of a car that is too big and guzzles too much petrol. I eventually find myself pulling into Marina's driveway. Perhaps I meant to come here all along because although it wasn't planned, it doesn't surprise me. As I get out of the car I flex my hands. They feel empty, I feel like I should have something to offer when I walk through that door. Looking to Marina's garden I see a red rose bush so I pick a flower and chuckle to myself at how ridiculous I am. Down the pathway I walk, the sound of my feet on the concrete loud in my ears. The moon is there, silent witness.

There's a light in the studio. At first I think it's empty but in the sofa chair by the window, there she is curled up with a pillow tucked to her chest. I move closer until I'm kneeling down beside her, looking closely, watching her sleep peacefully. She is so beautiful. Her hair falls in waves over her shoulder exposing an elegant neck, her eyelashes resting softly on her cheek. Her lips are plump, inviting and I want to kiss them but I don't, I lean in and kiss her on the skin of her neck. She smells of raindrops. I linger there . She stirs and opens her eyes slowly, sighing as she wakes and when sees me her face lights up.

“Clara!” she cries and we embrace.

Her body is warm and soft from sleep. She pulls me up to sit beside her, in fact I'm sitting in her lap. It feels intimate. I present her with the red rose and she beams up at me and laughs. It's so full of joy and I can't help but laugh too.

“I've been waiting for you, Clarinha.”

“I'm sorry it took me so long.”

“You've had a lot to deal with. How are you? I've been dying without news from you. Much longer and I would have turned up on your doorstep, I wouldn't have been able to help myself. Where's Ivan?”

“He's with Cadu tonight.”


The way she says that makes my insides tremble and in that instant the moment flips on itself. We are both thinking the same thing. We're looking at each other and I want her to kiss me so badly but she's not, she's just gazing at me with that hunger I've seen before in her eyes, her lips slightly parted. She's waiting for me. Waiting as she's waited since we met, patiently. Maddeningly so. I know this is a good thing but there have been times when I wished she'd just grab and kiss me. But it's as if God conspired it so that I would have to take that first step. The owner of my own story. Damn.

My heart beats faster. I slide my hand around the back of her neck slowly, my other hand pushes back her hair and stokes her cheek. Her chest begins to rise and fall, I can feel the swell of her breasts pressing against my rib cage, her small arms wrapped around my waist, her hands on my back. I lean in and she tilts her head up, until finally I press my mouth to hers and she tightens her grip, pulling me closer. There's a suspended moment while I register the sensation of lips on lips. Then my whole body thrums alive. My arms wrap around her and our lips part. Hungry, demanding. Our tongues slide together and we're groaning into each other, hands clutching as if we can somehow absorb each other. I breath deep. So soft, so delicious, so pliable. I'm half outside of myself, unable to believe it's happening and yet it is! After month of slow torture, of having to pull away when I wasn't sure if I could, or would or even wanted to anymore.

A throbbing has settled between my thighs, my nipples are hard. I'm ready. I'm ready right now and that surprises me. Until ten seconds ago I thought I'd be hesitant, that I'd want to take it slow. Maybe a kiss today and sex... well that would be for later when I could figure out what was what but it's as if those lips are a catalyst bursting that dam of restraint I'd so carefully constructed and I've exploded with a need that demands satisfaction.

I have questions, there are things we need to discuss like what does she want and what do I want, how does Ivan fit into her vision of us? Does she want an us in the forever kind of way? I believe I know the answer, I pray I do because never have I met someone who compels me the way she does. Her pull is like gravity, unavoidable, nothing less could have shaken me so entirely and forced me to transform the way I have. I have so many questions but right now I frankly can't remember them and if I did, I wouldn't care, the only thing that matters is getting as close to her as I possibly can, the pulsing energy between us demands it.

I cup her face and slow the kiss to a hot deep burn. Marina responds and I know that she's ready too, the way her hands are pulling at me tells me that. Somehow her hands have slipped under my shirt, it makes me gasp, little stars of electricity shooting out across the surface of my skin and it's so intense I squirm and break our kiss, looking down at her swollen lips, her unfocused gaze. We're both breathing hard. We take a moment before she extricates herself from the chair and she looks down at me. She dips her face and smiles as she holds out a hand, I take it and she guides me up the stairs. Her hand is so small, so delicate in mine.

The bedroom is dark but for silver slivers of moonlight through the windows. We walk towards the bed and then she turns and pulls me into her. We rock on the spot in the dark, our bodies pressed together and she searching my face, she's making sure I'm okay with this and so I kiss her again, to let her know that I am and that I want this just as much as she does. God, how I want this! I can't explain it, what having her in my arms feels like, it's different and new and exciting but it feels so damned right. The back of her knees bump against the bed, she pulls me with her as she tumbles down. We're kicking off our shoes and she rolls me under her, her hand pushing up the hem of my top to reveal my stomach. Her lips softly press against my bare stomach. I gasp, arching off the bed. It feels like worship. Like reverence. A holy communion.

Clothes fall away. I'm surprised at how confident I feel and how shy she is. Somehow I know how to touch her. Her fingers tremble across my body, she's as overwhelmed as I am by this experience. I see tears in her eyes as our bodies move together, I'm overcome with such tenderness for her, such love. The heat between us expands, it burns, time grows still in the wake of our passion, the present moment is all there is. With touch, taste and sound we fan our desire, we spiral up together and when we come it's so intense it's like a bright light pours into me, like the heavens have opened up, like I am here and everywhere at once, radiating out in all directions.

We lay down, we look at each other. We laugh for the simple reason that it feels so good and she pulls me into an embrace, holding me in her arms.

“So beautiful, so beautiful.” She murmurs and kisses my temple repeatedly and I'm not sure if she means me or what we've just shared. I listen to her heartbeat in my ear and trace my fingers across her skin . Through the window the moon is peaking above the tree line, it looks in at us, these two naked bodies tangled on the bed, as it has no doubt looked in on many new lovers. I wonder how many feel the sense of peace that I do. Something inside me feels like it's clicked into place, like a final piece of the jigsaw puzzle. The old Clara with her fears, her guilt, uncertainty burned up and disappeared at some point tonight, ashes on the wind, and I find that I do not mourn her passing because in letting her go I now have something so precious. This is what a transcendent love must feel like. I am humbled by it and so, so grateful.

“I love you so much.” I say.

“I love you too.” she says smiling sleepily, “always.”

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  1. "I wonder how many feel the sense of peace that I do. Something inside me feels like it's clicked into place, like a final piece of the jigsaw puzzle. The old Clara with her fears, her guilt, uncertainty burned up and disappeared at some point tonight, ashes on the wind, and I find that I do not mourn her passing because in letting her go I now have something so precious. This is what a transcendent love must feel like. I am humbled by it and so, so grateful."

    Where can I find that transcendent love?

    1. Lol, I'll let you know!

    2. Hahaha and when are you planning to finish your other fic "finding her way"? Too excited for its succeeding chapters :)


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